I continue to go to massage and acupuncture although I have reduced my massage visits to every other week. I do still go to acupuncture weekly though - mainly for the night sweats and hot flashes that I still have. In fact, over Easter and they got a lot worse which I'm sure was because I missed my weekly acupuncture visit. Its not the most pleasant treatment right now since I regularly get needles in the bottom of my feet now which is totally creepy. But its totally worth it because I think it makes a huge difference. This week Tran said that he will be prescribing me some Chinese herbs to take to help out so I'm looking forward to that (well not really because he said it tastes really bad).
On Thursday night last week, Dom went to visit his grandpa at the hospital because he was not doing very well. When I got up on Friday morning Dom told me that his grandpa died late Thursday night so it was a sad day for us - rest in peace M. Bouchard.
As you all are probably aware, the hockey playoffs are on so that's been the main topic in our house the past two weeks. We went over to my friend Preety's house last weekend and watched the hockey game with Preety, Nigel, Anne and Jordan. It was a well balanced group since Preety and Dom are Habs fans (I am by default, I can't be anything else in this house) and Anne, Jordan and Nigel are Senators fans. Since Dom and Jordan are both craft beer connoisseurs there was a lot of chatting about beer as well as music. All in all, it was a great night. I must say its very different basically being a "light drinker" now. I still enjoy a glass of wine at dinner most nights but if I know I'm going out I usually save it for the social function but I stop at just the one glass - I know, I know that's weird for me. Anyway, I don't mind it which is not something that I ever thought I'd say - I'm sure Dom loves it because he's always got a DD with him so he's free to enjoy that extra growler of beer if he wants. For me, its liberating waking up the next day without that foggy feeling in my head.
On Saturday I headed to Leanna's house to return Cooper and to also hang out with the Langille's and head to our university get together the next day at my friend Heather's place.
In case you are wondering Lola isn't allowed on the furniture (I know, its not fair but those are the rules) and Fat May is too fat most times to jump up on the furniture and even if she does, she doesn't stay long. So Cooper was more than welcome to join me. Fat May is really fat - she got a haircut recently that really shows off her curves.
Lucky for Fat May, the vet keeps careful track of her weight - she was in this past week for some vaccines and she got weighed too. They gave me a graph that shows her weight since I've had her.
On Sunday, I went along with the Langille's to Heather's house for our get together. I have no pictures to show you but I can say that it was great to see everyone. After knowing each other for more than 15 years (its more like 19 years) its great to know that these friends are the kind where you just fall right back into step with each other. Most of us are married - and the majority have kids so when you add them all in it makes for a big group. I stayed at Leanna's place Sunday night and headed back to Ottawa on Monday - as usual I was exhausted when I got home. It seems like when I go away (so far that was only my second time leaving Ottawa in 8 months) I am totally exhausted when I get home - a reminder that my body has a lot more healing to do, I guess. Dom was home on Monday because he wasn't feeling well and the two of us pretty much spent all of last week fighting off cold/flu symptoms.
But that didn't stop us from going to a Fury game on Wednesday last week and it was a treat because Dom's friend Jessie (who has seasons tickets beside us) won tickets at work for club seats which meant we had free food and non-alcoholic drinks. It was cool but at least it didn't rain. Here we are in our fancy seats:
On Sunday we went out for breakfast with Ann and Mike which was great - I love having breakfast out somewhere. Somehow eggs taste better when someone else makes them. Yesterday was Dom's grandpa's memorial service and even though I got up to get ready, I didn't go - I had slept terribly and could tell my flu was back so I went back to bed to wake up at 12:30 just enough time to get ready for my appointment with Dr. Beaulieu...and now we transition into the cancer part...
Dr. Beaulieu is my surgeon and the one who told me I had cancer way back in August. She is by far my favourite doctor in this whole scenario - well tied with Dr. Craig but they are very different doctors so its hard to compare them really. Dr. B was really pleased with the way my incisions have healed and was even more impressed with how my chest has healed from radiation. You can still see burn but she said in her experience everything looks really good. We also talked about follow-up care and so I'll be getting yearly mammograms at the Monfort Hospital for the foreseeable future. Dr. B did tell me originally that mammograms are not great at detecting cancer in people my age but after you do have cancer and cancer treatment they are actually better than MRIs, CT scans, PET scans or ultrasounds since mammograms are able to detect micro-calcifications better than any of the other tests so this was new information to me. I am glad that I am getting some sort of follow-up tests plus I have to go and see my family doctor every year for a check up. I have an appointment with her already next month. I also see Dr. Dent in June and back to see Dr. Caudrelier in September so everyone is definitely keeping an eye on me which makes me feel a lot better.
This past week I had my usual bi-weekly (or is it bi-monthly?) chat with Becky and Courtney and I started talking to them about what I call Cancer Guilt - they told me after we chatted about it that I should write about it in my blog because its not something that they ever thought of and there are probably a lot of people who would like to know about it. So I don't think this guilt is specific to cancer, insert your disease/illness here and follow it with the word "guilt" - but I am sure that I am not the only one who feels this way. So, what is it you ask? Its guilt that the sick person feels because they are bringing bad news and sadness to people around them. Its hard to explain really but its the reason that most of you found out I had cancer by email or text message and why for the first few weeks that I was diagnosed it was really difficult to talk about. It was hard enough telling my parents let alone my siblings, extended family, friends and co-workers not because I was upset that I had cancer but because its really upsetting telling people bad news about yourself - because you are upsetting other people (don't even get me started about having to tell Dom).
Now before you send me emails telling me I have nothing to feel guilty about - I know logically that I should not feel guilty about having cancer but try to put yourself in the shoes of someone who has to tell everyone they know this kind of news - see the looks on their faces, hear them cry on the phone and get those emails and text messages that say they are devastated to hear this news - and then try to imagine yourself not feeling bad about it. I think at first I felt bad about it but I didn't realize until the past month that the "bad" feeling is guilt. If you know anything about me, you know that I am straight shooter - I say what I think - and I don't often feel guilty about things of course because I'm perfect - kidding - I think because I try to live as authentic as I can.
So its taken me a long time to figure this out. I also think this is the reason why it is hard for people in my position to accept a lot of social support and help - you already feel guilty that you've made people feel bad - and that makes it more difficult to accept help. The only reason why I didn't fall into that trap is because most of the reading that I did when I was first diagnosed emphasized a lot that you need to accept social support in a variety of ways and that this acceptance improved your chances of surviving cancer (you can't argue with that). So that's what it is, Cancer Guilt. Its not something that I can fix or something that any one of you needs to apologize for - I know that the only reason that you are upset is because you care about me. I have been lucky in some ways in that I don't really know what its like to be in your position. I haven't even had a grandparent sick (well both my grandpas died when I was very young so I don't remember) but Grandma Fink and Nanny Knight are doing fine! I'm not like all of you, I haven't had to watch someone else go through something like this so I don't know what it feels like on the other side. What I do know is that I think I am starting to figure out this mental cancer thing a bit more but its still a work in progress. I haven't started my group therapy yet but I will be sure to bring this up when I do and see what the response is. My guess is that a lot of people feel this way. I know that after going through treatment I also think about how bad I would feel if my cancer came back and part of that - a big part - is that I'd have to break the news to everyone again and in some weird way disappoint people - I know, I know, not logical but you just can't help the way you feel.
Just to rant for a moment - Cancer Guilt and other things like what happens at the end of your treatment, the fact that doctors don't really declare you cancer free (at least not at first) are all things that people don't tell you about. There's no mention of this in the brochures that you get and no mention of it from doctors either (although I do have to admit that one oncologist that was filling in for Dr. Dent did mention the tough mental part of ending treatment but no specifics, suggestions or referrals on how to get help). This is the part of cancer treatment that seems to be largely ignored at least from where I am sitting - so if you know someone else who has cancer or is going through some other major health crisis don't just assume that since the physical treatment is over, its really over. The more and more I am thinking about things, the more I wonder if it really is ever over - that damn tiny cancer backpack again! So that's it - that's the Cancer Guilt - a popular theme I hear is Survivor's Guilt which is interesting but not something I can say that I have experienced so far...my next blog entries will have some more information on this, I'm going to do some research. I'm also going to tell you about the top ten things that I did through this whole cancer thing in case you are interested. Next entry I'll start with a few of them - think of them like Dave Letterman's Top Ten list but probably not as funny - well I'll try to make it funny.
I have no segway into this but for all of you Ottawa folks take note that Dom's band Sonic Defense is playing at a Benefit Show for Nepal Earthquake Relief at Zaphod's on Friday, May 8th - its a $10 admission, there will be other bands, silent auction, door prizes and a whole bunch of stuff so mark it on your calendars. All of the money goes towards Doctors Without Borders and the Canadian Red Cross. If you cannot make it, I hope that you can at least donate some money to a charity of your choice to help out.
And to end on a lighter note in honour of Dom and his grandpa:
Go Habs!!!!!
